Me and my gf have been discussing me watching her with another guy for months. It was a real turn on for me, and she seemed fine with the idea. Not a cuckold exactly (neither of us wanted to humiliate me)... Previously, we've had several FFM experiences which we've both loved; my gf really loves watching me have sex with another woman (genuinely), and there are zero issues afterwards (in fact her and our playmate have become good friends).

We went ahead and arranged a guy to come over. He was more dominant than I am, got to work on her quickly and within less than 5 minutes she'd squirted twice. He didn't hesitate in taking her from behind hard - they were on the sofa - and slapping her ass (which I don't really do without asking) - which she loved and wanted more. Twice he pulled out, span her around and told him to suck him (she never does that with me because she doesn't like to taste herself and says its disgusting)... also told her to deep throat him which she did, gagged and then carried on (she's previously told me she hates deep throat, hates a hand on her head during a bj etc). He picked her up and laid her out on the table, taking her there (we've never done that), and also took her standing up against the wall (again, we've not done that). She looked ecstatic throughout. At one point I desperately wanted to take her from behind whilst she was enthusiastically sucking him, but she'd told me beforehand she didn't want two men at once. Afterwards they sat close to each other naked and he said I should have joined in. I was about to tell him our pre agreed rule but my gf jumped in saying that I should have done. I have always been a very gentle and considerate lover, asking first before doing anything and respecting her supposed likes and dislikes.

After he left I felt OK- quite turned on still really. We both said it was an amazing experience, but both felt really tired; she went to bed and I followed shortly after and we both slept. The following morning I woke feeling horny, and keen to 'reclaim' her on the sofa, and in my mind was going to follow his example and take her / tell her to suck me etc like he did. Throughout the morning I kept dropping hints that we should do it there and then on the sofa (I love sofa sex but we haven't done it there for months because she always says she prefers the bed), but she didn't seem engaged at all. That evening we did have sex - in bed - very soft and gentle and loving. I told her that the next day I was going to take her on the sofa and table and she seemed turned on... but again the following day, it didn't happen.

I now feel sick to be honest; ashamed / weak / jealous that I don't have the courage or confidence to just do what I want with her. If I do ever try to be like that she doesn't respond like she did with him. She either resists or refuses. We have spoken about my feelings; she's told me if I want to do something just do it and don't ask. She believes that I'm overthinking her apparent lack of affection or willingness to engage with me, and can't understand why I won't just ask.

So, what was something we both were looking forward to has become a nightmare for me.

Has anyone else ever experienced this sort of emotional drop? Should my gf have been more affectionate / considerate with me post event? Whenever we play with another woman I'm always very mindful of including her all the time, checking she's OK etc and afterwards giving her a lot of attention and affection, but I feel like she hasn't done the same for me. It's eating me up thinking about what she seemingly willingly did with him, how he got her to cum and squirt so quickly and so many times, and how she easily broke taboos that we as a couple have had in place and I have never tested out of respect for her.

Comments / thoughts all welcome!