So we have been in the lifestyle for like a year and we’ve learned what we both like. She prefers men around our age 20s to low 30s while i like older women and women around my age, with a slight preference for the former since experience there is limited and we typically play together. We have been to lifestyle clubs that a relatively close to us at least once but primarily meet couples on Feeld or SDC. My partner(F) doesn’t like the work/pressure involved with texting an vetting so prefers to meet irl. So whenever I (M) vet/find people online once we established boundaries and expectations align we try schedule a meet sooner rather than later! - one of the things we’ve learned over year one.

One of the issues that come up when we get to play is that the other guy struggles feeling comfortable and getting it up. Which I get it happened to me the first couple times too. We’ve noticed (her then me ) that one of the things that makes them nervous is the size difference and just general comparing themselves to me. For additional context I am black (technically mixed) and most of the guys that we end up playing with are white. The stereotypes and tension around that might play into the anxiety as well. I try to do things to help relieve that tension and make a point to build a bond of trust and compassion with the guy when we meet as well as limit how much/intense I flirt with their partner - even though flirting and foreplay is a huge plus to the experience for me. What advice do you have for me to help mitigate this? - especially interested in the thoughts of men from the other side of the scenario too.