My wife (33f) and I (44m) have been together for four years. Our relationship started a little roughly, but we had genuine love for one another. It was a once in a lifetime love that has grown even stronger over the last four years. We started talking about getting into the lifestyle late Summer 2020. It was a healthy conversation where we each set our boundaries and let each other know what we would be comfortable with. I'll spare you the full list of boundaries but a few of them were:

- No being alone with single men without me
- No texting outside of a group chat unless approved

- No emotional attachments
- No getting involved with people in relationships

- No anal for anyone else but me

We were having a normal evening on Wednesday and my wife stated that she ate too much and she wasn't feeling well. She sat around for a bit and then went upstairs. Our friend/girlfriend K (29f) who lives with us went upstairs to go check on her. K came back downstairs and said that it wasn't that she had eaten too much.

I went upstairs to see what was going on and my wife told me she had cheated on me two years ago. She was going on work trips and on one of the trips she fucked one of the guys that was also on the trip from her company. He was single and younger than her. That continued for two more trips. She would also text him on Snapchat when she was home. On her last trip where she fucked him, she let him fuck her in the ass. It only ended because she stopped working for the company. Even after she stopped working for the company she still was sexting with him on Snapchat. On the last occasion she texted him "Hi" which was her looking to sext again. He told her he was in a relationship and it ended there. She waited two years to tell me.

Since the time she cheated, we've been active participants in the lifestyle. It hasn't been easy due to her insecurities but we've gotten through it and I think we've gotten stronger because of it forces us to communicate on a higher level about feelings. I work with an attractive female that my wife consistently accused me of fucking or wanting to fuck over the last two years. I know to some that should have been a red flag itself, but I convinced myself that she would never do that to me.

Now, I don't know what to do. I am fully aware that this was cheating because it was outside of our agreed upon boundaries.

Her reasons for cheating:

1 - He was a younger guy and I hadn't done anything like that before

2 - I didn't intend to keep doing it

3 - We had just gotten into the lifestyle and I felt sexually awakened

My thoughts on her reasons:

1 - About being a younger guy, we were in the lifestyle. She could have asked to fuck a younger guy and it wouldn't have been a problem. Hell, she could have asked to fuck him one-on-one and it might have been okay. On that point she claims that she was scared to ask.

2 - She claimed that she didn't intend to but I think that's bullshit. If you value your spouse or anyone else you care about, you don't do things you don't intend to do. Plus, she went back to him again when she texted him "hi" only for him to reject her.

3 - That's just bullshit. Not much else to say about that one.

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Now, I don't know what to do. We have three kids that this would absolutely destroy if I divorced her. It's a long story but our two girls would end up living with their biological fathers five hours apart from one another. I am leaning heavily towards divorce because I can't get her cheating out of my head enough to sway me towards staying. I know it's only been two days. The two big things for me are her letting him fuck her in the ass, which was supposed to be my special spot and the fact that she gaslit me for two years about me being the one that was cheating or wanted to cheat. I don't know how I can ever trust her again. She is a gorgeous woman and I have zero desire to fuck her, see her naked or have her touch me in any way. I don't even want to talk to her besides getting details about the cheating.

I really don't want to leave her though. This was my happily ever after.

I'm sure there are details that I've left out because there are so many. I can answer any questions to help clarify the situation.

I just thought this was the best place to come for advice. I'm sure some of you have dealt with similar issues.