So we had been lifestyle for many years, every time we would play with someone, it would bring out a passion that I hadn’t seen in years. This made me happy as my passion for her over the years has grown and not dissipated as hers did.

Very recently, we tried dipping into the hotwife realm. She very clearly loves it, and she was more passionate than I think I can ever recall. The flirting, the act, all of it. She comes back fired up, but I can’t shake the reality that it’s just an illusion illuminated by someone else’s fire, because prior to it felt like there was a disconnect during sex.

I always had such a high sex drive with her as I’ve only felt more attracted and aroused towards her as time goes on. But this current revelation has zapped any desire in me.

We had laid out rules about communicating what was going on, giving me a heads up, no one too close to home that could cause things to be awkward if things went wrong.

First guy she picked was a guy from our gym, she didn’t communicate what was going on, and found out after the fact, that she had already been sexting him before we ever even talked about it. She tried to pass it off as it was for me from dirty talk we’ve done, but after I explained where I need to have some feeling of inclusion, she went and did the same stuff again. It is very evident that it’s for her, and not “us”.

Ultimately, all I’ve ever wanted is to make her happy in every way possible. This very clearly does and at the possible risk of us not having sex again, she still wants to do it, she just doesn’t want things to change between us. This to me feels like she wants to do it, even though our sex life will most likely fizzle out, but wants me to be happy throughout the situation at the same time. I can’t do this, especially because sex has been a long time crutch for me as well for my mood between PTSD and other things.

I feel like I’m lost.

On one side I want her to be happy, but this is killing me inside. To feel undesired, to lose sex which has always been the one thing that helps my brain chemically.

On the other side, she gets bored, which is why ultimately she is not passionate with me after all these years. Because she has found this new level of excitement and fun that I cannot provide, if I tell her that I don’t want her to, I feel like it will only make the disconnect and boredom worse since she has experienced it and knows what it’s like.

I feel like I’m fucked either way, let her have her fun and go from loving sex all the time to never having any… or tell her to stop and end up with disconnected sex ultimately feeling undesired anyway.