Tuesday Topic: Rules/Boundaries

So here you are, living a new lifestyle outside what society proper would consider “normal”, but nobody ever taught you how to do this. The world we live in is so geared towards monogamy and we have all been fed the same stories all our lives: boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, buy a house, have kids and live happily ever after. The unwritten portion of that fairy tale is guy owns wife. Even the way we speak conveys some kind of possession, MY wife, MY husband. Should either stray, one must destroy the other (in some cultures the wife can be killed). So, you have already decided that archaic way of thinking is not for you, but what now?

Early in a couple’s journey you will want to hammer out some form of agreement between you as to what is acceptable and what is not. Some non-monogamy communities differentiate between rules and boundaries, but they semantics in my opinion, but more about that in a moment. Just throwing caution to the wind and charging ahead is a poor idea, and in a good relationship should not even be considered, so between you, you need to discuss and figure out what works. Will you be full swap or soft swap? Same room or does it matter? Understand, this is a lifestyle change, nothing really prepares you to live this way and I have seen the transition destroy many relationships. That said, It can be a great life choice and you can find new levels of happiness. Communicate.

When you begin, you will probably come up with a long list of rules. It is completely normal to feel some apprehension in this time and you want to try to preserve your relationship, and that is fine, anyone else in the lifestyle should respect those rules provided you are very clear about them. Here is where things can get dicey: Rules get broken, Intentionally or otherwise. Rules tend to be about control, and they stem from insecurities. It is not bad, but consider what happens if one is broken are you leaving your partner over some small infraction? I have met couples with a “no kissing” rule because they consider kissing too intimate (for me, I am out when they say it). If that is a rule, what happens if in a passionate moment, your partner gets carried away and a kiss happens?

Some people limit the number of times a partner plays with someone. The idea being this will prevent emotions getting involved. Maybe, but I believe if you have great chemistry and a great experience with someone, you want to repeat it.

So, rules are fine, but understand, things happen, and you may feel some sort of way if something happens. Often, non-monogamy communities will draw a distinction between rules and boundaries, and that goes, rules are placed upon another where boundaries are tenets we set regarding ourselves. I.e. Rule: You cannot play if I don’t, Boundary: I will not be with someone if my partner doesn’t. The onus shifts as you maintain your autonomy.

Allow yourselves and each other some grace and understand, in most cases, The rules will change or evolve over time, and as you grow in the lifestyle and become more secure than you have ever been, the training wheels may come off. You should communicate, in depth after every event and adjust things for your relationship.

Please share with us any rule you have or have had (and whether or not it has changed).

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