It's been a full week since the initial dday. I'd say it's been dday multiple times in a row though. Every step of the way I've either had to have information extracted out of me or am remembering details as we go and causing new hurt. Its all my fault. I've always been selfish, I just didn't realize to what extent. I try to think if I loved him at any point and I'm sure I did. In the beginning. But I can't be sure anymore. He feels like I've wasted the last 9 years of his life. That we were never in a relationship. He's right to think that. I've put little to no effort into us this whole time. I like to think I didn't but the reality of it is that I didn't. I didn't do enough. I am never going to be able to repay him what I owe him but I need to start. I've been in therapy for quite a number of years now but I guess I haven't been taking it seriously enough. My therapist and I have an idea of what we're tackling but I'm scared. I'm scared of what we might find out about myself that I've just never wanted to face.

I guess what I'm looking for is not resources or anything like that. I've been given plenty of that. I guess what I need is to hear that maybe we'll heal. Maybe I'll at least get to pay him back. Maybe he'll at least be happy someday. Because at this point, I don't feel like I deserve happiness.