Just need to get this out of my head. Everyone wants to know the why, the who, where, when. I wanted all those answers and after years got all of them. I understand them in my situation. But the one answer I need, she can’t provide.

How. How in full knowing of what would happen and then fully and willingly proceeded in continuing the relationship and lies and sneaking, knowing she wanted me in the end. How do you let yourself do that? I don’t believe because they can covers it. I don’t want to believe just selfish validation covers it either. There must be more? Because if that is the how, how does R work? There is no way to help prevent those how’s.

Or am I just stuck on an impossible answer and can’t seem to move past it?