For a bit of context, I'm on my graduating year in an engineering course. I have no debts and pretty much has a stable life. I have a loving partner (yet we have these occassional arguments that although it seems unfair to tell that she's part of the reasons why I feel like shit), hobbies that occupy me and friends to support me.

But sometimes, when I am not distracted by them or not doing something else, I get these thoughts to harm or kill myself. But when I try to, I stop when it starts to feel painful. My most recent attempt was to drown myself but I ended up kicking myself off the tub when I gasped for air.

I think I don't want to die yet my mind tells me so. I don't have the courage to do it but I don't mind stopping to exist. Sorry I just wanted vent out. And sorry if my grammar is bad, English is not my first language.

TL;DR I'm not sure exactly what I feel