I want to start this post by saying I am not a learner philosopher, scholar or any of the like. I am but a person with interest in the subject, in addition to having dealt with chronic depression (dysthymia) and suicidal ideation since I was 7 years old. That's 28 years. I want to touch a bit on how I feel about life, my uderstanding of nihilism and how I keep going.

Ever since I can remember, which is certainly shorter than 1994, I've wanted to end this. I don't believe in the term "giving up" in this case, as it takes tremendous bravery and energy to make that decision, and go through with it. I've made half-hearted attempts which were probably just cries for help. But I grow more and more tired, I sleep for 36 hours and I self medicate to survive.

But for the last few months I've pushed myself to think, even read. I've read texts and novels on nihilism.

As stated before, I am no scholar, but after getting a basic understanding of the subject, I've realized that I am a nihilist. It is safe to say I subscribe to many schools of thought, but were I to liken it to a character sheet in an RPG, I'd say I'm true neutral. It doesn't really matter on what level it is, nothing really matters.

Sure, this is something probably all of us think. "Nothing matters" and "fuck everything". But take a moment, stop, inhale slowly and exhale even slower, and think about what these words really mean. Nothing. Really. Matters. Nothing really matters.

When I finally understood what that really means, I was free to do what I really wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I didn't find a Get Out Of Depression card, I feel myself getting steadily worse by the day. I have plans to do stuff, create something and aspire to things. I also have ideas on how to end things. But since nothing matters, I'm gonna ride this feeling a bit longer. Until I understand that it also does not matter.