I've been laying here for a few hours now. I have a happy life by all definitions. I have the nice truck and the fun toys. I have family that says they love me, and I get to chase a passion I've had for a while. I just don't understand though. Everyone says I'm nice to be around, but I don't like being around myself. I don't know why I keep thinking about it. I went so far tonight as to sharpen my knife just in case I want to slide it across my wrist. I spent so long making sure i turned into the best version of me since I was 10. I'm a joyful, happy person who helps when he can, but I absolutely hate it. And I know that suicide is a selfish act but I don't care for once I want to be selfish and just be alone. Thank you for listening