I always feel like the holiday season exists just so I can lament another year passing by. Reminiscence is inevitable, and I feel crushed under the weight of my failures as death looms and approaches closer than ever.

Things are technically going well for me but I feel so unmotivated that I just keep calling in sick to work. I know already that I'm really pushing it. The job is difficult but the company is wonderful and patient... I don't know what my problem is. The thought of going in terrifies me. Everyone congratulates me on finding full time work but now that I haven't got a safety net of social security, my anxiety is excruciating, and during my shifts I feel like my heart is going to either stop or leap out of my fucking throat. The palpitations are excruciating. If I get fired my life is truly ruined, and then everyone will know they can't trust me to exist or succeed in this society, or even to maintain my role as a contributing member of a household.

I cannot function. I can barely get out of bed, can barely brush my teeth. Haven't done my laundry in months. I just don't really want to exist. I won't do anything, but the way I'm living is so unhealthy I wouldn't be surprised if it kills me anyway. I used to be a skinny fellow, but now my gut is so distended from alcoholism that my reflection fills me with complete disgust. Only in my early thirties and I'm completely washed up.

It would be cool if there was a button I could press that would make everything go away.