(F24)
For context, life already has been beating my ass for the past 6yrs back to back things just don't go well for me.. Ever, but still despite all of this I somehow continued to stay strong and be there for others.

I have my mom and my bf currently and often times I feel they fit in with everyone else, taking advantage of my kindness and big heart.. My time, my money, my space.. I feel worthless every single day, but I try to make the best of every situation.. Until last week..

I will not get deep into detail as my outside life, career and family would be at risk but I am not winning this battle.. On top of being ill from my chronic diseases, my depression has gone up ten fold and it's really really hard trying to hold it all together.

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I LOVE my mom, she has her moments of course like most parents, like most people but overall she is there for me. She loves and wishes the best for me, but sometimes I feel being around her is suffocating. Maybe she undermines me a lot, and I know she means well but she criticizes everything I do and say, it makes me feel really small and stupid.. Makes me feel my issues never matter or that I am being overly dramatic.. She often has me questioning how I am feeling, and being confused about my own personal emotions is really an out of body experience I cannot explain..

My boyfriend is my only friend nowadays, and I love him to bits but sometimes he makes me feel small.. Sometimes he makes me feel like a child who has no direction, no sense of self. Now, this is not every time we hangout or talk.. This is something that happens when he wants to I guess prove just how much of a Brainiac he is or how much of a nerd he is.. Like babe, I know how you are. I fell in love with who you are .. I just wish he seen me the way I see him.. I wish I could be transparent and tell people how I feel every single day.. But Idk how to..

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I have always been verbal about my emotions, I never really go into detail but I am always sure to communicate my needs or thoughts no matter how often they are ignored or overlooked, I try.. I never feel better after.. It just makes me feel even more unseen and pathetic..

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Anyway, the point to this post.. I was making dinner last night.. The knife sitting on the counter was super tempting, I even had to write it off as a joke to keep from causing a scene in front of my family.. I spun around on my heel and threw the knife into the skin so I 1. didn't see it anymore and 2. so it wasn't clear that I was.. staring at it.. The burning uuuuurge thought of driving that sucker into my eye, my skull, my brain, hoping I have just enough strength to drive it through until my nerves are shot and I am barely a mumbling mess. Maybe it is a slow burn, maybe I survive but I feel my cells trying to repair what I had tried to permanently damage.

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Today I made lunch and I just, couldn't put it down, I found myself slowly trying to talk myself INTO going through with it.. I thought maybe I was right. Maybe my family would do much better without me here. Sure, they'd lose someone who was taking care of em someone who they could use as a doormat BUT after a week I am sure they would forget all about me and just move on with their lives. Not a thing to see here, just another lost soul trapped in hell..

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I try to remain positive for my loved ones but often times than not I am just utterly lost, baffled. That anyone could even ever love me in the first place.. I just, cannot imagine someone being true and loving and caring for me the way I always do for others... Someone told me I may have never experienced healthy love growing up and I feel this is true.. I cannot even decide to love myself.

I try so hard but what the fuck is the point? Why try? No one gives a shit so what makes ME soooo special that someone would actually go out of their way to make sure I am not sad or at the very least.. Want to die..

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I did so well 2yrs clean of self harm and suicidal thoughts.. But, Idk. Something clicked inside of me over a year ago and I just snapped.. Now it is all I can think about and I CANNOT talk to anyone about it because again it could literally cost me my family, career and lifestyle.. I just don't know if being on this Earth is meant for everyone and that may mean taking myself out of the equation to prove to others just how useless I really am...