I've been depressed noticeably since I was around 15, I'm 22 now. I used to have a love for learning, exercising, I used to feel confident in myself, I used to have goals for the future, and a very optimistic outlook. Now I have a hard time making it day to day, I have a hard time applying myself to anything that would take longer than a week to come to fruition. I still have a hope and desire in the back of my head for a happy, healthy, and successful future, however it truly feels unobtainable.

I don't really have family in a way that I could fall back on them. I don't talk to either of my parents and that is something I'm fine with (I generally disagree with the standard thoughts on how family should be anyway) and the 2 of my family are not people I could rely on to help me overhaul my life. I grew up on the better side of middle class, then around 8-10, my dad left, my situation shifted, and I was put more into a lower class situation. At 18 I moved away from my home and my mom because of issues I had with her, I went to live with a relative and care for their child as a job (for reasons I don't know we don't have a great relationship now). Then after just a few months my relative tells me we're moving and that my mom has to come along with us. I was upset but didn't show it because I knew my only option was to accept the situation and make the best of it, we wound up living together for around 3-4 years. After about a year I went from childcare to a real job, that I worked for around 2 years until situations made it so we had to split ways. My relationship with my mom wasn't terrible then but got much worse towards the end. I wasn't able to go with my one relative, and i decided I wasn't going with my mom, so my only option was to move in with a friend and his family.

Now I've known this family for years and years, and this person is one of my, if not my best friend, or like another brother, and they are doing their best to make my feel like family including me in dinner family events and things of that sort. I've lived with them for about 3 months so far, I was still unemployed when I moved in but got a job after a month, then left that job after a month cause it was a nightmare. With the help of my friends family I have an interview/exam set up for a job, but while I'm looking forwarding to having an income again, I can't feel excited about it I keep finding all the things to complain about. One thing in particular is it's not a job I want, but its a solid job, good pay benefits, etc. But the issue being that I know its not what I want to do for a living. Something I did enjoy was childcare, but that or most jobs that happen to catch my attention, you need certifications and even degrees, which I don't have because I didn't attend college. While I could look into taking classes at night or online, it feels insurmountable because I can barely plan my next month, let alone my next 2-4 years, I also feel like even if I did its all pointless and heartbreaking that I have to try to figure out what I need to do for 40 or more hours a week for the next 40 years. I know some people don't love their jobs but that their jobs allows them to afford what they love. So maybe you don't want to work an office job mon-fri, but if it gives you the money you need to spend your freetime doing what you love then great. But that sort of make it seem like life is having a happy moment or period of time, then lots of mundane or some sad moments, but you get through those by trying to remember the happy times.

I know this post may not seem like it but I usually consider myself to be a realistic rational person, I don't think I'm too optimistic, but I'm not too pessimistic either, I try to look at things from both of those perspectives and walk somewhere in the middle. Like the idea of wanting to become an actor is something I would enjoy doing, but I didn't even mention it earlier because its not that realistic, I know people do it and of course people out there come from worse situations have gone on to become successful not just in acting but in any career, even if it takes them 25 years, they may eventually get their break, but not everyone does, and it feels sad that even with hard work and dedication some people just don't make it in life, or people that try their hardest just end up unlucky. Which is why its hard to even try in life. Thinking that I could start working out, eating right, get a good job, hobbies, friends etc. that I could get in a car accident and have my life drastically altered for the worse. It makes it hard to want to do anything long term. Which includes life the main thing keeping me motivated to stay alive at the moment is my nephews, who love me very much, cause I could never imagine them asking to see me, and never being able to again, even if I wouldn't be around to see their pain know that my actions could cause them pain stops me from doing anything drastic. Even that thought only lasts for so long because I think well realistically I won't be around for it. I really am trying to keep on pushing and make it to a better place, but it just seems like a better place wouldn't even be that much better, it would just be mundane, because happy moments are temporary, and I know that means sad moments are too, but that doesn't help me. Once I did write a note and take a walk to locale train tracks near my house with the full intention of ending it, but I went to a store got a drink and sat on a bench outfront of the store in the cold for about 2-3 hours and then walked home, I don't know what stopped me. But I feel like if I seriously consider/ plan it again I wont stop. I need to try to figure out how to change my mindset on life.

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TLDR: I'm 22, I've been depressed for about a decade, and don't look forward to a life of working a job I don't like, just to have free time for hobbies that don't really exist for me because depression has taken away my interests for most of life. I also look at the existential factor, that we are a cosmic speck and all of our lives are pointless anyway. I need help changing my mindset.