I had so many suicidal thoughts last night while I was driving to try to make myself feel better. I thought drowning is scary but I can go put my car in the river and drown. Then I went well let’s look up to see what medications we have that might do it. I’m just so tired. I’ve tried so many different medications at this point. I do therapy. Nothing has worked. I’m still holding onto a little sliver of hope things won’t always be this way. Maybe one day I can keep my house clean all the time. Maybe one day I won’t be so stressed and anxious. Maybe one day I’ll be able to stay consistent and do well at my job. If feels like it’s further and further away. I also just believe I’m a total fucking failure at 26 and discredit all the things I’ve done because it’s just not good enough to me. I don’t know how to stop the negative self talk. Oh, and I’m also sometimes hearing voices lately. Sometimes I know they’re not there/real. Other times, they sound like they’re right next to my window or in my house. I really wish I could just not exist for a week or a month. Why can’t I just shut it all fucking off for a while? I even just had a nice date with my partner, and I’m already back to thinking well, I should still kill myself soon.

Update: almost took a handful of pills last night. Saw a counselor and now going to a different treatment center where I’ll actually get counseling and not color all day. They think I have bipolar II and that’s why antidepressants won’t work. Feeling slightly hopeful since someone FINALLY listened to me. Here’s hoping I don’t ever have to feel like this again or at least very rarely. Much love to all of you.