If I post in a subreddit I generally try to contribute to at least several other posts to pay it forward, so I will do the same here if/when I perk up some. Close to finished weaning off of Zoloft and just beginning Welbutrin so would imagine my general depression/melancholy is being chemically (or lack thereof) enhanced. I've decided on my methodology should I choose to go through with it, and to be honest it's beginning to look more appealing by the day.

Succinct backstory: Alcoholic parents, dad died when I was 11, essentially raised myself thereafter, grew up thuggish. Got married in my early 20's to a woman who was better than that iteration of me deserved. Was a shit husband the fist third, got counseling and became a better roommate during the middle portion. Was on the brink of divorce and realized what I poised to lose. Begged her back and promised to change. Followed through, worked harder at it than I ever had anything only to waste 5 years of my life learning that she only stayed with me out of convenience (best case) or for vengeance (worst case).

Between COVID and the marital efforts, friendships spanning back to early Jr high languished. Lost one of my best lifelong friends in the midst of my efforts (four year anniversary was 3/16, rest in peace Joey Knuckles). The remaining friendships are proving shockingly difficult to rebuild. My family has always been special events only and largely a non-factor. Work from home at a job with minimal interactions and no strong relationships. I'm clinging on for my kids but at this point I've begun to question if they'd be better off missing who I was then continuing to witness the sad sap I've become.

What makes a person "good"? I'm kinder, more empathetic/understanding, less aggressive and generally in my mind a bit better person every day. If that's the case, why am I unable to connect with anyone? My "improvements" are basically some sort of approximation of the question about a tree falling in the woods with nobody around making a sound, hope that analogy isn't too clunky. I've also worked on my body and fitness, have begun working out and eating better over the last year to the tune of 50 pounds lost...yet couldn't even get a response from people who interest me in online dating (which sucks, and for the record I'm staying age appropriate).

I do have a counselor, and at her urging I'm going to begin to "put myself out there" in social situations in May (wanting to address a few things first, getting into summer/presentation shape among them). I'm not optimistic given where I live. I've always used humor to get me through but that well is running dry. Nobody lives forever, the thought of seizing control by dictating my expiration date (and thus being able to say EVERYTHING I ever wanted to my kids in my farewells to them) doesn't sound all that negative.