I’m not always in this headspace but when I am here, I regret not doing it sooner. I should’ve done it when I was a teen. Before I had kids. My first husband had to talk me into having a baby bc I knew I’d be a terrible mother (I am). I had the other ones so they wouldn’t be alone ( I was an only child and I wish there’d been somebody else to soak up my singles mothers awful energy). And every time I don’t do it I’m so mad at myself the next time I’m here cuz it just gets more complicated the longer you live.

I think a divorce would help, my spouse makes my really unhappy but he will never leave. The more time I spend around him the more I want to die bc he is almost constantly mean/not helpful with the kids and house/critical of how I do ‘my’ chores (shopping, cooking, cleaning). I spend too much money, I don’t have dinner ready on time, I don’t do the laundry properly…I am drowning in his criticisms. I would really like a separation but that would be me having to leave the house, move out from the kids. I know it sounds backwards but I want to kill myself to get out of this life/situation/marriage. My kids have this awful mother, my husband has an awful wife, and I think I should just die. They’re going to Illinois for thanksgiving. I’m going to take a bunch of Ativan and do the carbon monoxide in the closed garage thing. It is a relief to be able to share my plan with somebody, internet strangers. Thank you for listening