I turned 18 almost a month ago now, I have an amazing girlfriend, my family is there for me and I know it, can’t say the same about my friends because I don’t believe that they actually care about me. Nights like these I just lie in bed and think about how many of my problems would be solved if I was to kill myself, going on London skyscrapers “illegally” every now and then doesn’t bring me the adrenaline rush it used to anymore, the possibility of getting caught doesn’t excite me as much anymore, walking on the edge is scary and not as enjoyable anymore because I don’t trust my body to take that one step off and end it all. It would be so easy. Yet it will be the hardest decision I’d ever make, knowing the pain it’ll bring my family and girlfriend, I never really wanted to admit it to myself but I really do feel like a burden sometimes. I don’t feel like I know myself, I feel like my mind is trapped and someone else has taken control of my body, there are times in which I say something I know is true and this voice in my head will go “that was a lie” or “you’re a fake no one really knows you” I don’t even know where I’m going with this I just feel more clearheaded than ever right now and am writing as much as I can down before I lose myself in this “reality” again. It would be so easy to just take that one step off one day, almost refreshing, I always wondered what was on the other side. I can’t see a future for myself, I can’t see myself working a 9-5 but I also can’t see myself being a freelance photographer like I want to, everyone I know seem to be doing amazing and I am just stuck in the same old loop. I don’t have motivation for anything but taking photos anymore, and even then I hit creative blocks and start doing this shit in my head again, I just want it to be me, my camera, my girlfriend, a bag of 35mm film and the world for us to explore for free. None of this shit mental health bullshit, just us and the world. Yet I know that will never happen, which makes it hurt even more. Every time I feel like I am taking a step in the right direction shit goes south. I don’t know if I want this life any more. “It would be so easy” - every time I look down from the edge of the roof, before I tell myself “today is not the day” I don’t know how long I can keep this up for.