I don't feel actively suicidal, but I've had like three suicide attempts in the past, one very recently. I just want help figuring out what's wrong with me once things get bad again.

Obviously, most redditors aren't doctors, as doctors are too busy to use Reddit. I've been struggling with mental health issues all my life, mainly emotionally instability and obsessive thoughts. I hope you understand.

Here's why my mind is a mental storm:

1. I have incredibly anxious, obsessional thoughts. For months on end I might ponder a philosophical issue such as free will, the nature of reality, or other things like if I'm a terrible person or not. There's times where I'd obsess about these things every waking hour, and no matter how much reassurance I had that everything was fine I still found another way to be anxious, a flaw in the system, an insecurity. It got so bad that I've had suicide attempts because these thoughts would give me this soul-sucking, utterly hopeless depression.\
2. During the daytime I'm usually very tired and at night I get too energetic and I can't fall asleep. There's times where I get random spurts of energy and my mind keeps jumping from topic to topic and I can't concentrate on anything that requires effort. There's small periods of time where I suddenly feel very happy or very sad.
3. The way I feel grief is...weird. When the first time my cat died the grief was uncontrollable. I hated the feeling so much, it nauseated and terrified me. It was one of the worst feelings to ever have. When my grandma started dying, I started distancing myself from her, because I didn't want to pain to be so bad--which was terribly selfish. As I got older, whenever someone died I just felt this weird sense of shock, of unreality...and then the grief would go away. As if part of me still believed they were alive somehow. Whenever I saw other people grieve I would feel incredibly uncomfortable, even annoyed--again, which sounds awful. A few weeks ago, I visited the grave of a friend who died to suicide. When I went to their grave I didn't feel much of anything. I wondered what was wrong with me. Was I a sociopath? Then I walked over to the really old graves, from the 1800s, where moss smothered people's names out and no fresh flowers were laid--and I was near the brink of tears. No one grieved these people anymore. They're completely forgotten, but they had just as important and valuable lives as our own. They thought differently--even immorally, by our modern standards--but they still understood virtue, love, beauty, they still have loved ones and were loved. Then I walked over to the graves of children and teenagers--I thought to myself, what kind of cruel God would allow these people to die? They barely even had a shot at life. And I was really, really, holding back tears at that point because I didn't want to cry.
4. With emotions, I either feel everything or nothing at all. Either I don't feel a whole lot for other people, or I feel immensely for them--especially for total strangers, or even characters in a movie. Art is easier to express emotions with--because it gives you a "safe" outlet for what you feel without any real world consequences, and it only affects your life if you let it.
5. Related to the obsessional thoughts, sometimes I think of shitty things I did as a teenager and I feel incredibly, awfully guilty for them, like I'm somehow beyond redemption or love, and the only solution is suicide.
6. I'll often have fantasies of myself going on adventures in a story I made up in my head, or becoming rich or famous or doing something very noble or heroic and being appreciated for it. I've tried to stop doing that though, since it's narcissistic.
7. I often get very impulsive sometimes and say things I don't really mean, sometimes to just get a rise out of people because I'm feeling aggressive. Or I'll engage in self-destructive or risky behavior, especially when I'm really depressed. I'm also slightly socially inept. I can't really connect to "groups" of people and I've never felt a sense of belonging or community anywhere. Sometimes I just feel despairingly lonely, as if no one will ever truly understand me.
8. I suffer from a lot of violent and sexual intrusive thoughts, and sometimes the only way to "scare" the thought away is to shout something or twitch. The thoughts horrify me.
9. I suffer from a lot of anxiety and overthinking too, as if something is always going to go wrong.

That's really all I can think of, for now. I apologize this post is long. If anyone can figure out what's wrong with me--I'd really appreciate it. Thank you.