I'm tired of the suffering. I've had years of emotional and physical abuse by family and friends alike. I've just been in constant torment the past 7 years. There are many, many more issues I could speak about for hours, but I'll spare you guys that. I don't believe in self worth or whatever. I willingly delude myself by those positive pep-talks people tend to give, when you say you don't matter and want to leave. The only reason being because I HAVE to stay alive. If it was up to me, I'd taken myself a long time ago. I hate this life and everything in it to the core. Nothing has much meaning to me. I've endured enough and I want everything to end already. I don't care about what "good" might come - I don't want to live anymore.

I have no will to live. The only reason why I'm still around is religion. It's forbidden to suicide in mine and comes with complications in the afterlife. That's literally it. If it wasn't for that - I'd have taken myself years ago. It's excruciating. I don't want to live. I was forced into a life I never wanted, want, or will want. I hate my parents for bringing me into this damned world. I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't care about the bright side or whatever. I just. don't. want. to. hurt. anymore. I don't believe in "hope" - I get real ticked off when people mention the whole "light at the end of the tunnel" thing. Like honestly I don't give a damn even if things DO turn around and start working out, why? I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. I don't want to live. I'm forced to be here when I don't want to. And if I wasn't I'd not be here. So it seems there's no way out. There's literally nothing I want more than to have the ability to just cease existing altogether.

This is my third phase of suicidality I've had, and it's the strongest yet. I made plans. I've made plans before too, but they were just an escape. Now, I've had the intent to actually carry them out. Also our home wasn't tall enough to deal the damage. I've planned around that now, and figured out a way to make it work. Just living itself is incredibly frustrating. A while back I made a list on my diary so I can take steps to work towards doing it. Which I won't be mentioning for the sake of other users here.

I'm just waiting for something to set me off enough now so I don't care about the afterlife anymore and do it anyway. I don't have any hope or want to live, I just have a fear keeping me alive.