This is my first post here, i don’t have a tragic back story or anything like that, i’ve been depressed since i was 16 and its only gotten worst over the last 7 years, i had a small period in 2020 where things looked up and i thought for once i was going to be normal and feel okay again, that changed once the one thing/person that gave me joy decided to leave with no words or explanation, thats not really what caused it but it certainly helped relapse, I haven’t been able to sleep i wake up crying for no reason, i can’t keep food down that well even though my body cries out for it, i’ve been fighting this my a long time and i’ve always been belittled for feeling this way “its so selfish” “you have it so good compared to others” and truthfully that never helped. I’m a burden to most and i know it, my feelings have never been relevant to anyone, and my mental health is looked at like i’m just lazy. Its gotten to the point where i planned a day, i have suicide notes written, i even bought a 60cubic foot container of Nitrogen and made a suicide bag to suffocate myself painlessly. I constantly feel like somethings wrong and I constantly have images of me smiling happily suffocating in my head i hear my conscience, my inner voice say its not worth it you’d be happier dead and you know it. I’m so ready to give up, even though people say how funny and nice i am, how musically inclined i am that i have so much to live for, but i don’t see it and i think todays the day i finally give in, a little earlier than planned.