I'll never have the stones to actually harm myself in any permanent way. But maybe I'm wrong. So just in case... I just wanted a family of my own. I've been accepted into three amazing families in my life, the ######s the ######s and the ######s. But all of my connections to those families stopped loving me along the way. Both were very clearly my fault, I see that it's in my nature now. Maybe I'll figure out why I want to ruin love once I've had it for a while, maybe I wont. Two of these people ended it in a way that is never acceptable and the other is trying to hang on out of obligation not love anymore. I can see it in their eyes. I have friends, but none of them would ever come to me with their problems so how can I bother them with mine. I know there are people that love me. I know my family loves me unconditionally but again, I've done something that makes no one need or want me around. I am a burden to love I make it impossibly difficult somehow. I dont know where the disconnect is, I love these people and would do anything for them, even the ones that have wronged me even if I know they shouldnt be in my life anymore. I would drop everything to help any one of them. But no one wants my help lmao. I work hard at my job, I get ignored there too. I thought I had a good friend or two there but as soon as work is over I dont exist. Theres even someone I take care of daily, and I think she loves me, but because shes young and shes got others that love her it wouldn't matter if I was there for her either. People say you make your family, related or otherwise. But what is family when none of them would have their lives altered if you were to disappear. Outside of some emotional turmoil temporarily. I dont know what I'm doing wrong and no one has a good answer no matter who I've asked. And the one who matters the most to me cant or wont talk to me about how to make it better.