I am fighting with depression since at least 4 years now (at least I realized it at the time.)

I am 20 years old and made in the last 2 years since my first time at a hospital for psychic diseases (after my first suicide attempt) over 15000$ debts.

I wanted to stab myself with my knife (not now it was 2018). It wasn't really planned. I had trouble with my parents and just escaped from this situation. I didn't had clear thoughts at this time. I had a mental breakdown and my body acted like by itself. It stopped literally one inch Infront of my stomach and I realized what I tried to do.

I wish I had killed myself then. I know that's a bad thought , I know I need therapy, I know I need a medication... But after all nothing really helped.

My anxiety is way to strong to reach out for a therapist. After all even if I called one, they wouldn't have the capacity to help me...it seems like my whole city needs some therapy...

And it's not like I didn't tried it.the Medication never worked , I used Mirtazapine, Paroxetine and promethazine.

I see no way to get out of this misery. Even my shopping addiction doesn't make me feel as good as it did at its beginning.

It's a bit sad. I've got a pretty good job (training) as a investigator at a federal office in my country. It seemed to go upwards, but now I just see a thick wall of mist and as far I reach out, the darker it gets.

Its probably a good thing that I don't have the courage to actively try to kill myself. But who knows? With my shopping addiction I literally live on the back of innocent people trying to live their own live with there store or whatsoever...

I feel nothing at the moment. I feel tears coming out of my eyes, but I literally feel nothing... I hate this so much....