I’m in a bad place, not been this low in several years or months. But I’ve fucked up bad. I’m undesirable and the biggest failure to ever exist. I don’t know why I have this delusional thought of having a future. I bet I won’t see past the age of 30 if I decide to go that long. I’m a disgrace to my family name, they deserved better. In the end of 2018 I stood on the edge of a railroad bridge looking down at a river several hundred feet down. Was New Year’s Eve, no one would’ve noticed for several hours at least. I didn’t do it because of my dog at the time. But he passed back in February and I’ve fucked up bad. I need to die. Would love if someone from BLM or something like that came up to me and blasted a bullet through my head. As I’m a worthless piece of shit white guy. Fuck me. I’m gonna die soon. Just need to work up the courage.