I have never been a particularly social person, but in less socially oriented settings such as work and school I can get by like anyone else. Maybe not the most interesting or funny, but I can contribute and hold a conversation well enough.

However, when it comes to a purely socially oriented event like a party or a date, my body always tells me not to. Prior to events my stomach always gets upset and as the event draws closer my heart starts racing. Once at the event, I get the usual social anxiety symptoms and over analyze, am insecure, and subsequently end up being almost entirely mute the whole time. Instead of trying to enjoy the moment I instead frantically try to get involved or figure an escape route. This was exactly the case yesterday saying all of maybe 20 words over three hours yesterday and then bailing without saying goodbye.

What's more is that after the event the physical symptoms generally get worse, with my heart continuing to race well after I have left and in some cases keeping me from sleeping all night. The next day is almost always filled with dread and persistent suicidal thoughts and the usual existential shit that I can never get away from.

Why do i have to be like this? I just want to have a few friends and have a good time but my body wont let me. Now I have to come up with some excuse on Monday to not seem like a total fucking freak. I dont think my insurance through work covers mental so I dont know what to do. This has gone on since I was in high school (am 22 now) and the loneliness this causes is unbearable. After these events I always get looked at in a different light because of this behavior.

The worst part is that one of the few things that comforts me is holding a loaded gun in my mouth. I haven't had the will to do it, but the thought that I can at any time helps calm me down. What the fuck is wrong with me.