I decided a while ago that I don’t want to die. But I also don’t want to live like everyone else does. I can’t.

So I see a therapist, but not because I want to change, I see him to let the pressure off.

I’ll stick to my maladaptive thinking, drugs, risky behaviors and isolation. They are my true friends. They give my life a sense of meaning. They are all I’ll ever know anyway. The only motivation I have in life is to keep pleasing myself.

But I have a stupid animal brain that needs trained to accept the situation for what it is. So I see a therapist and act like I wanna get better but really I just want to vent. I’m just appeasing that small part of my brain which needs people and connection. This week I’ll tell him what his job really is, and to shut up with the advice - actually o won’t cuz I’m too much of a pussy. I’ll just nod and say yes and pretend to care.

Does anyone here know about overdosing on heroin? I’ve never tried the stuff but I hear when you OD you just fall asleep. Don’t feel anything. Is that true? I’m asking for a friend.

I do know how I’ll do it. But knowing the choice is mine to take when it all gets too much is truly liberating.