Advice on my probation would really help too.. Cause I'm not trying to go to jail, would probably only make my mental situation worse.

Hello, reader. My name is Cody. My first post on this sub, and I'll make it short if anyone actually gives a fuck. I'm pretty hopeless but I know I have potential.. I think about offing myself pretty often, and have recently gotten the urge to cut. Never did, except a few times 2 years ago. But besides that I'm gonna try to make this short.

I am a 23 year old Male. I turned into a junkie after my baby mom left me. I loved her and wanted nothing more in life to have a son and kill myself to have my legacy carry on. That's what I told myself in school when I was younger. Lost that thought when I got my girlfriend pregnant but I'm pretty sure it was still there, probably subconsciously. Selfish, I know. I am a selfish piece of shit. She cheated on me, broke my heart, I formed a pill addiction and it led to heroin when she fucked a close friend I grew up with after his baby mom just passed 2 weeks after giving birth and being in a coma, and BM was supposedly her "bestfriend". She also took both of my cars, 05 Chrysler 300 on 22s, paid 8k for it, and my 09 Chevy impala. Paid 4200 cash for my baby. Betrayed my trust and said she would never take my cars. Since she left, I think December of 2017? I've been homeless, can't hold a job, never actually could. Used to sell drugs, was FUCKING GREAT at it, and it brought me immense joy being the fucking weed man. I'm now also on child support. I have no motivation to get my shit together, to be a father, to excel in life, to wake up in the morning etc. I missed an interview yesterday because I didn't want to get up. Only times I'm happy is when I'm on dope, and only when I'm making money to buy it. It has become my only motivation to wake up. I'm tired of the lifestyle, I'm tired of wanting to fucking die. I'm tired of not being able to go home. I want to live with my mother but she doesn't give enough of a fuck to move out of the trailer park I got kicked out of. The old manager told the new owners that I said some shit to her young daughter. I'm not a disgusting fucking pedophile, and I never said a fucking thing to that child besides hi. Now I can't go visit my mother at her own house and I would like to know why someone would say something like that about me? Other people have heard, and I never knew until recently. Now I people in my town probably think I'm a potential fucking pedophile. I can't even fucking tell people because who wants to fucking hear that? I'm a junkie, a scumbag, a piece of shit, but not fucking that. I'm not a sick fucking individual, besides my debilitating depression and whatever other undiagnosed mental disorders I have. I just don't know what to do. I really don't. Every time I make a counselor appointment to get help, I miss it. I don't have the energy to get up and go. I'm so fucking tired of the way I'm living, tired of being a junkie (but I'm not and this contradiction is eating me alive) and I just wish my mom actually gave a fuck to come see me once a week. I miss my mother, living with her, I miss my son, my family. But I have no fucking want to change anything. Tired of the thoughts of suicide. Tired of thinking I should just kill myself. Also grew up without a father. Lost all my friends. Nobody talks to me, or checks up on me. My girlfriend is a fucking godsend but I'm not deserving of her, she could do so much fucking better. And I'm also self conscious, could definitely have a bigger dick. Never really had trouble with women though. But I think everyone is a lying fuck and never tells the fucking truth. So, I don't truly know if I please my girlfriend, because I doubt everything and question everything. I apologize for the rant really meant for this to be shorter. So basically

TL;DR How can I gain hope, or traction, or some sort of motivation? Also going to be dope sick tomorrow, and the next 4ish days, and hopefully kick my addiction, if my girlfriend doesn't cave in and buy me a 20. And I have an orientation Friday for a potential career opportunity in a mill starting at 16/hr I hope I go to and don't fuck up because my bitch ass is depressed and acting like a fucking pussy.

(She's part of my problem because she enables me. She doesn't say no to giving me rides or not give me money when I act like I'm sick. And I really don't manipulate her.. honest to God I don't. She's a fucking blessing in disguise and if I lose her, I'm losing probably the best woman I'll ever meet. She's good looking too, but the love she gives me and putting up with my addiction is amazing. She could probably love me differently, and better but the fact she is putting up with this alone just amazes me.)

My bad.. if anyone even makes it this far. Still miss my whore of a baby mom too.. Fuck This homeless shit sucks btw. Haven't sucked dick for dope either. I'll probably kms if I ever end up like that.

Also, haven't seen my po in 7 months since I got on probation. What should I do?