Every single day I think about the same person, I think about my “friends” and family. I keep trying to push through college, getting a D in one of my classes last semester. I’m epileptic and am continuing to have seizures constantly, leading to both my shoulders chronically dislocating. The bones are so broken, smashed up, and all over the place that most mornings I can’t get out of bed without dislocating one. I can’t get surgeries or drive till I’m around 9 months seizure free, but even after 6ish years, my neurologists can’t figure what the cause is. Now I’m like a test rat, given different meds that make my memory, feelings. and everything else feel like crap.

I’m only 22 years old, so I know I’m young and things will hopefully get better with time, but I have had these suicidal thoughts since elementary school. I’ve tried to overdose before, only to puke everything out early in the AM. That was in highschool. Now with all of these new meds I have, I just stare at them, debating doing it again, as they’re stronger.

I try to work out as much as I can, as I can’t do the other sports I used to compete in. I try to study and work as well. Now I’m having more problems with the people close to me. I haven’t had much issues with my family, despite not being too close, but any girl I get close to doesn’t compare to my ex, whom I have been told to stop “harassing, or things will get to another level” as sent by her mother, so despite what I’ve been wanting to talk to her about, I can’t. As with my friends, they’re all fucked up as I am, in their own ways.

I feel like I’m just a bother to everyone. A nuisance. Someone that no-one wants around. Maybe I was just lucky to find someone I loved for 2 years, somehow... but it’s almost been another 2 years since the breakup and my mind is still crazy. I just want to disappear, I don’t want to bother anyone else anymore. I don’t try to annoy people, or harass. I feel completely broken, like I can’t do anything, and out of all my issues like my shoulders, seizures, friends.. my heart hurts the most. I know that sounds stupid af, but I’m having the most difficult time trying to fix that compared to just accepting the other things.

A couple weeks ago, I was about to O.D. and I was ready, and sent a group message to some of my close friends, who instantly came to my house, called my brother, and stayed with me for a while. So I know they care, but they’re not the one who I care about most and who’d I literally die for.