My only reason not to are so I don’t hurt anyone who’s close to me. For the past weeks, I haven’t been able to sleep till around five in the morning. I know I’m an insomniac, and because I have epilepsy, I’ve been given Clonazepam on top of the Depakote I have already been taking.

Everyday, I wake up late, feel like total shit, and am just generally having a ton of stress, anxiety, and depression filling my head. It’s been around 9 months since I broke up with my first girlfriend whom I dated and lived with for 2 years. She recently blocked me on everything, because of some more mistakes I can add to my list of fuck ups.

I’ll be 22 years old this month, and I know how young that is in the scheme of life, but I also know that we can all die at any random moment throughout the day, so everything seems so pointless. Because of my seizures, my arms are almost unusable, as they dislocate just by waking up or stretching at times. My memory is also incredibly messed up, and it’s became a noticeable problem in my life, that also affects others. Every morning, I wake up depressed, and instantly feeling suicidal. When I lay in bed, I constantly think of the knife I own and how easily I could use it to end things. Trying to OD on my pills again is another route that is right at my disposal.

I know how people say that life is a gift, and I agree with that. I also know that people have it way worse than me. I’ve been trying to go to counseling and it’s been helping, but at times like these, at 5am, when I have class in the morning, and all I can think about is sleeping curled up with my ex, talking to her about anything to keep my mind off of these horrible dark thoughts I’ve been having, only makes them worse. I’ve been trying to go with the flow and I’ve been meeting other girls, but they’re not the same. It’ll never be the same. There’s always the chance that someone can come my way, and things will get better, but right now, my health is shit, I’m always in and out of the hospital, I have a serious issue socializing with others, I’m still obsessed with my ex, and I’m just trying to find a way to make it all stop