Which isn't saying much, since I think about suicide a lot. But lately, I've really wanted to go through with it. I'm just tired, I'm tired of being tired and life is sucking everything out of me and I can't stand it any longer. I don't trust any government institutions like therapists, I've taken so many different kinds of pills only to have them fuck me up worse than I already was or just not work at all. I can't even talk to my therapist about the things that bother me because they never understand or I could go to prison if I did. My health is shit, it keeps getting worse and the shit doctors I keep going to tell me everything is fine, I just need to lose weight - even though I already have a eating disorder (and lost 100 pounds, and I'm not even that fat) and can't exercise very much due to my shitty health. Speaking of shitty health, I can't work anywhere because of it and so I'm destined to be on disability my entire life. I can't even afford my basic needs, I have to steal from the grocery store just to be able to eat a nutritious diet that doesn't consist of mostly sugar, calories and salt. I am going to end up homeless because rent everywhere is getting way too expensive for me to even afford and every place that offers housing assistance is packed full (I hate apartment living anyways), and I'd actually prefer homelessness, if it meant that I didn't have to live with a shitty roommate (which I've only had 2 roommates ever who weren't shitty abusive people). I can't do relationships or get close to anyone, I'm too PTSD'd about trauma from shit that has been done to me by other people all of my life and I can't get close to anyone because I have to keep important details of my life hidden away from people, so I basically have to be dishonest with people in order for anyone to even want to be in my life. Meditation, I don't get...some new age BS that doesn't accomplish anything for me. I've tried CBT exercises, that doesn't work either because a lot of it is wishy washy BS (or is at least presented that way) and doesn't reflect reality, especially my reality.

I could go on and on about how my entire life is one great big shit show (including all the bullying, rapes, abuse from parents and teachers, having kids who don't even know my name, etc.), but it would take forever and doesn't help anything. The main point is that I don't really remember having any genuinely happy moments in life other than small things that happen once in a blue moon that I quickly lose interest in. I might get a bit excited to be able to try a food, watch a new movie or show, or a new song I found...but it's super rare, like a couple times a year sort of rare. Everything else is just constant misery, me feeling like a prisoner in my own skin and of a society I never gave permission to participate in. If I could change my circumstances, I would. I have literally exhausted just about every option that I could take to make my life better. I don't have any options except for saving up money for literally YEARS just to be able to make/record music in hopes I can make some sort of liveable income from that and isolate myself off grid until I have to do a music tour somewhere, and I can't wait that long and don't think my health could even allow me to do that, especially not 10 years from now. I am at my wits end. I am really thinking that maybe the best thing for me, is to not exist anymore in order to end the damn near constant misery I feel. I am already thinking about how to plan my death, including figuring out where my cat will go, funeral options, exit plan, etc. I don't want to die TBH, but dying seems a heck of a lot better than spending another 32 years hating my life and everything in it....except my cat.