I'm 21, living back at my mom's house. I don't have enough money to get my own place, and I have seizures, which restrict me from driving. I used to live on my college campus, but after my GF and I had a breakup, I came back home and withdrew from all my classes except for one.

She was my first girlfriend. We had been together for 2 years. We met freshman year, and we began living together. I thought things were great for the most part. I was there for her when her mother passed away. I would always make her laugh. I loved her with all of my heart and soul. I feel empty without her. Some people have told me to just move on, but I can't.

There has been a ton of opportunity to get with other woman, either by hooking up or dating, but for some reason, I just keep telling myself no. I don't want anyone else. It's been close to 4 months I think since the breakup, and the last thing I remember is that she woke me up in a harsh type of way, lots of yelling began, a breakup was mentioned, and then I kicked her out of my house. I'm pretty sure this was on thanksgiving, or the day after. Every single morning, I wake up and regret everything I've ever done to make her upset. I regret my actions. I think of how I did some shitty things. But regardless, it seems like I'll never have her back, even though that's what I'm desiring.

There had been times where my trust in her diminished, seeing how she acted with other guys. How they texted. Her always wanting to go out and drink with her friends. I don't know if that was mostly my jealousy and that it was my first relationship, or if I was somewhat in the right. But after everything, I would still do anything to have her back. That morning when she woke me up and began yelling at me, I should have just gotten up, hugged and kissed her. She was trying to help me, even though I wasn't in the right state of mind.

Every night, I still dream of her. I have taken the advise of some other relationship type of posts, and I deleted her number so that I can't text her first. She wants to be in contact, to be friends, but I don't think that it would be a good idea at all. She had introduced me to all of her friends, and I began to really get close to them, but they are her friends in the end. If I were to still try to socialize with everyone, and see her, I would break down.

I know I'm more of an introvert, more homey, a shut in; but despite that she drinks and likes going out, I loved how weird we were. I loved the adventures we went on. Sitting outside and just smoking and talking. But all of that is gone, and despite that she wants to be in contact, she doesn't want me anymore. I wish we could have gone to therapy. Anything so that I could still see her face and not hate myself.

My seizures are stress related and the doctors have been messing around with my meds to try to get things more under control. Because of what has been going on, I've been having more trips to the emergency room and I've dislocated my shoulders near 20 times. I can't get an operation until I'm seizure free (at least 6 months). Her friends and just yesterday, her cousin, have been trying to get in contact with me. I used to think that it was just to keep her updated with my life since I blocked her from my social media stuff that I never use, but until recently I've just been extremely confused.

I almost attempted suicide a couple of times, and I had tried to contact her. She was with her friends, so she told my mom, who then just yelled at me and drove to another state so she wouldn't be there with me. I feel desperate and alone without her, but I don't want to try to have someone take her place. Yet, when we were still in contact, she used to shove it in my face that she was seeing someone else. I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but when I see older people in relationships, it hurts me so much to see that they can succeed when we had something great, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.