I'm a highschooler. I was diagnosed with depression over a year ago and started self harming at 13. I've been clean for a few years now and now I hate remembering that time in my life. I've been on Lexapro for a while but it actually enhances my anxiety and makes my stomach hurt, so I'm going to quit it. Yesterday was the shittiest day in a long time. I've been going to counseling on and off for three years. I got so bad to the point where I was voluntarily hospitalized for suicidal ideation and depression. The doctor there diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder but I rejected the diagnosis. I don't claim it.

Every morning this entire week I've woken up and stared at the alarm clock just sad. I haven't wanted to do anything this entire week and I feel like nothing's going the way I want it to at work or school. I've been reaching out to people for support and comfort and nobody can truly help like a professional can. I feel like a faker and attention-seeker and like I'm annoying everyone. My friend was just recently diagnosed with cancer and I feel like I'm being selfish and she deserves to feel how I feel, and I don't.

This morning, my mother came in and gave me a kiss on the cheek before she went to work. I just kept my eyes closed and said nothing. I wanted her to see how sad I was and I want someone to just understand what I'm feeling but she's busy and every time I try to reach out she reacts like I'm bothering her. So later I called her and lied saying I didn't feel well just so I wouldn't have to get ready for my fucking awful school. So now I'm just sitting at home trying to get some work done for Monday. My flaky friends and I are trying to get a group project done but I dislike them both so much I just want to say "screw it" and take the zero. But according to my mom, God forbid I get a zero when I'm an A and B student. I bust my ass off but I come home dead inside and tired of everything. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life and I see a future for myself and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I see myself just killing myself and getting everything over with. But then I see my mom screaming and my own dead body and I change my mind. I don't have the motivation to do anything anymore and I don't see the point in living when the end goal is just death. Not like I'll see what happens after I die anyway. I just want a friend. I want someone to love me and understand me. I'm not even 18 years old and I "have a whole life ahead of me" but I just don't see the point.

TL;DR I'm a depressed teenager with no motivation to do anything and I don't want to die but I'm sick of living and don't see the point of doing any of this anymore. Somehow, despite everything I'm feeling, I still feel like I let down everyone and everything is my fault.