3 months later and I still want to die. I'm still sad. I'm still hurt. When does it end? No contact for 3 months but I'm still in so much pain. I don't miss him, do I? I can't even remember what he sounded like or how we interacted. Like his quirks and personality. I don't remember. But I know I feel alone and hurt. I honestly can't do this anymore. I've lived through so much torture caused by him. It's changed me as a person and I never feel true joy. I'm always depressed. Look at me, trying to date. Is there something wrong with me for not being able to fall in love with another guy? With him, it was instant. So why now am I struggling to find someone? I hate this. I can't kill myself because I'm too scared. I've cut myself, tried to drown, backed out on overdosing. Didn't pull the trigger when I had access to a gun. Now what do I do? I don't know what to do. The least painful way to go that won't freak me out. I truly can't do this anymore. I have to end it. I have to.