I didn't expect to be alive this long. I'm so unhappy. I don't think I've ever truly been happy. I think I've felt fleeting moments of it, just for it all to be ripped away again in one fell swoop. My birthday has never been about me. Someone always finds a way to make it about themselves. Started with my family, we always ate whatever cake they wanted even if I was allergic to it or didn't like it. We would always do what my sister or my mom or my niece/nephews wanted. My dad would always tell me I was too selfish to be celebrated. So he would starve me on my birthday instead. Now as an adult, it's the same story, just different people. We go out where my friends want to go, sometimes they don't even show up. My husband always attempts to make plans but doesn't follow through. I just get let down every year.

Last night, my friends wanted to go to a restaurant and I told them I was fine with having dinner but I didn't want it to be crazy. One of my friends decided to invite a bunch of her friends and my party of 4, suddenly turned into a party of 9. I don't even know her friends very well. One of them, I actively do not like and have told her this multiple times. The entire dinner he was loud, yelling and swearing and talking about highly inappropriate topics. Then he just started sexually harassing me in front of everyone. Making lewd comments about my body and what he wants to do. He even reached out and groped my chest. No one stopped him. Everyone just laughed. It was funny to them. No one ever asks permission to touch me. They just do what they want. Someone in the restaurant complained so we got kicked out. Then they took me to a bar and proceeded to get more drunk. When I got home, my husband yelled at me for coming home late. He's been sleeping all day now and its 3pm. When he is awake, he yells at me and asks why I'm unhappy. My therapist(the only one that's ever understood my trauma and mental disorders) told me today that she is switching practices and might not be able to see me anymore.

I've tried to commit suicide 8 birthdays out of the 28 I've had. I hate this day. I see it as a day of my failure to finally die like I want to. I can't live like this anymore. I cannot endure another birthday filled with other people's wants and them throwing me to the side like I don't matter. I want to try again. I need to. I just need to figure out how. I would love to be one of those people that sees a bright future for themselves and growing older. But I've never seen that, all I see and feel is pain. I just want it to end. That's all I want for my birthday.