I've always been a very obsessive person over my interests, until something else gets in my way. As such, I'll go through all possible means to reach my goal. However, the same cannot be said about my time in high school which has left a looming mark over my head to the point I feel like existence is meaningless and I'm a waste of space. I was dealing with so much depression and social anxiety coming out of Covid which was only prolonged with my diagnosed conditions, seeping into my junior year and a fair chunk of my senior year. By the time I was able to get the majority of those thoughts out of my head it was too late for college admissions and I didn't have enough time to actually dedicate to my studies to get into my dream school or even program, which is business. Now, I'm stuck in doing a very general liberal arts degree which I do not enjoy whatsoever and I know that if I actually applied myself and stopped moping in bed all day and barely eating I could have been like so many of the other kids at my school who went on to get very high GPAS and play on varsity sports, and become executives of clubs, and go and win conventions and competitions. The worst part about it all is that I consider myself to be privileged, I live in a good neighborhood and I was able to attend private school which I didn't take advantage of at all due to my depression, resulting in basically my entire graduating grade except me get into their desired programs. I feel like such a failure and combined with the fact that it is now manifesting my depression all over again I am starting to fall back into the cycle of sleeping in late and eating only a couple hundred of calories a day if at all. My meds aren't working and I have this constant shadow of guilt looming over me and telling me that I'll be stuck doing something dead end because I couldn't just suck it up for 2 years and actually apply myself to the level I knew I was capable of (Ive always been regarded as gifted), and to the expectations my parents and teachers had for me. I know this is me making more of a bigger deal out of it than others, but my brother attends a prestigious program and I feel like my parents are deep down way more proud of he is than me, he has always been a star athletically and socially and never had to have experienced any mental health crises. I just feel like my entire existence up to this point has been a disgrace to myself and my potential as well as my family name, God, and all the efforts and money people have put into me that I couldn't reciprocate. I wake up each morning hating my life and hating all my past decisions that I feel like if I was never born my parents could have saved so much money and also saved themselves of a dissapointment. Everything is just coming to a crashing spiral and I don't know how much longer I can take this, I have nobody to talk to here as I was so lonely in high school and that just translates over to right now, whereas all the other kids were social butterflies and hang out with all their school and sports friends now. Whenever I walk outside and see everyone else being so happy wearing their achievements like varsity sports memorabilia or suits for business or lab coats for sciences I get so envious that their lives are way more construct than mine is and why I'm such a pathetic let down. Maybe some people aren't meant to have a purpose and therefore only take up space while others take up the spotlight, something I truly feel like I am. My future does not look successful at all, and living a sea of regret makes it worse. Makes me wish I could just get hit by a bus and this would all be over, because my life has amounted to nothing anyways...