I can't believe I am not already dead, I have gone through so so much... I dealt with homelessness in the pandemic, getting cheated on, I'm a functioning alcoholic.

My dad was a piece of shit and died from COVID so idk how to feel. He abused me, my mom, and my sister as a kid. My sister is more crazy than me and blocked me over a stupid fight. I haven't seen her or my nephew in weeks. He is a baby. Maybe if I die now it won't hurt him as much cause he won't remember me.

I just restarted college at age 25 after being a dropout for 7 years, and I'm barely even a month in and already falling behind. I used to be a high honor student.

I got brutally raped about 3 months ago. I got brutally raped 3 years ago too actually. So twice. Twice.

I've attempted suicide multiple times and always chickened out or failed.

I am always broke. I am $20k in debt for a subprime loan on a fucking car. I am cosigned to my boyfriend and I want to dump him but I can't bring myself to do it. I am a coward. I would rather die than face my problems.

I am fat and I can't stand my body. I smoke too much weed and drink too much booze and eat too much food to try and escape the pain. I hate myself. Everyone would be better off if I was gone.

I had electroshock therapy for my depression and it didn't work. I had TMS, CBT, DBT, ACT, all of it. I've tried so many meds. There is no medicating or lobotomizing this pain away. Every day I am drowning in thoughts and feelings of suicide and replaying all these horrific memories and feelings on loop.