It's not fair..why do I suddenly feel like this...

I don't normally feel like killing myself...but God damn these past few weeks have been horrible. I've never hated myself so much like I have in the past few weeks. I started thinking more about my looks, I've been on a weight loss journey, still fat, but I've come to the realization that no matter what I do I'm not gonna be attractive to the women I find attractive, and before anyone says it, I get it, "personality over looks", that's BULLSHIT, if personality mattered so much I wouldn't have had to go through so much character development. I'm ugly, shirt, fat, I have a great personality, but that only gets me so far until the women I talk to realize "oh? This guy isn't getting me excited downstairs, he's more of a friend". I hate my looks, I hate my body, why was I cursed I such a disgusting, unwanted body...even through the struggles of losing weight I still cry every night knowing that I can never measure up to the good looking men..all my relationships failed and most of them one thing in common besides the women being the issue, my weight. Obviously I can change my weight and I'm trying, but dammit this shit is so HARD! and then I see the women I'm attracted to and realize "I don't exist to them, they live in a different world than me, to them, I am but a simple grain of sand that they can walk on" I know it's hypocritical, I KNOW, but I hate the sugar coating too, I'm self aware of my shallowness, self aware that I want a beautiful gf, I'm aware that I need to become attractive first, I'm AWARE,...but I still feel like I want to end myself..I'm gonna die..not being able to have had a successful relationship. I'm normally such a positive person, lifting the issues of those around me...but this fight of mine? I think I've lost...