I'm a 51-year-old suit-and-tie professional. From the outside, I probably seem like a typical, "square" guy. I have a good job that I've held for years, and my kids are all grown and moved out. My wife is their stepmother; we’ve been married for 11 years and have no children together, since we married later in life. On the surface, it looks like I have things figured out, but this past week, I've had a lot on my mind.

People say childhood trauma follows you into adulthood, and I’ve found that to be true. Anxiety and depression don’t really go away; you just manage them as best you can. Lately, I’ve been preoccupied with thoughts of "permanent sleep." I've always been a big believer in dreams — I have vivid ones, filled with symbolism. They reflect the life I wish I had but can’t.

In reality, I haven’t had any intimacy in over six years. Yes, I’m still married, but that part of our relationship just...stopped. It wasn’t my choice, and it's really frustrating. I miss the closeness, the connection that comes with physical intimacy. I miss feeling desired, like someone actually wants to be close to me, not out of obligation, but because they truly care. It hurts to feel like that’s been taken away without a word.

On top of that, my relationship with my daughters has deteriorated. They live an hour and a half away with their mother, and we hardly speak anymore. I don’t even know why. Recently, one of them was in the hospital, and I didn’t find out until much later. I feel like, no matter the relationship with an ex, you should always communicate when it comes to your children, especially in moments like that. Thankfully, my sons live nearby, and we have a good relationship. I see them often, and that helps, but it doesn't completely fill the void.

Lately, I've been wondering if it's even worth it to keep going. In my dreams, everything is different. I’m happy. I have close relationships, I meet people I admire, I have talents like playing piano, singing, and flying with eagle wings on a harness. I see family and friends who are no longer here. I wake up to the same routine — a life that feels small and routine, with little to look forward to.

I wonder if it's worth continuing, just to spare my family the pain. I feel like I have no value left — not as a husband, not as a parent, not even as a brother. I know people would say, "You have a good job, there's so much life left," but what if that life is just more of the same misery? Is it really enough to keep going when I feel like I’m just here to fill someone else’s need for companionship?

Anyway, I’ve said a lot. If anyone has any advice or questions that might help me figure things out, I’m open to hearing them