This is a long post, mainly venting.

Just tried to post on a sub to try and find a cuddle buddy, was automatically deleted because I used the term "male" (because it's transphobic which it IS but I used it in a sentence literally clarifying that I don't actually care I'm just looking for a more masculine energy? Also the rules of the sub stated that you had to specify M or F in the title of your post so wtf??). I haven't been touched in over a year, I just need to feel that reassurance and acceptance. It would've been such a relief.

I had to stop going to therapy because the cost was raised to the point I can't afford it anymore. Probably for the best anyway, I'm not even a real person and not worth saving. Yes I have flesh and blood and all of that but I don't feel real, if that makes sense. There's something "other" about me and I know other people can sense it.

I feel like any time I ask for help or for something that would make me feel less like dying, I'm either just rejected or it makes things worse. I asked for an accommodation at my university because my PMDD can cause suicidal ideation, so I might need some extra time to finish assignments sometimes; I got the accommodation approved by the disability office but when I tried to use it I got pulled into a meeting where I had three professors gang up on me, say they had every right to ignore my accommodation, and threaten to kick me out of the (NURSING!!?) program if I didn't then write a 5 page essay about being professional. So my accommodation put a target on my back, basically. I'm not renewing the accommodation for this semester because fuck that noise.

I've tried to reach out to 2 separate friends, and they said they cared and were supportive and wanted me to talk to them but then they ghosted me. I tried to not even mention it that much and made it a point to also talk about other things and how they were doing as well, just so it wasn't such a burden on them. It was too much for them to handle still ig. "They'd rather have a hard conversation than speak at your eulogy" my ass. Anyway that's how I completely lost my one friend and how I only talk about surface level things with the other one (he can talk about HIS mental health though still ofc). I have no other friends that I'm willing to talk about this with, and I'm no contact with my family.

It's not like I'm being like "hey I think I'm going to kms, figure out how to save me" like I'm just asking for the things I need in order to help myself. I'm trying so hard to help myself but it seems like I'm just being rejected outright or even penalized for it.

So all of this is to say I give up. I don't even feel like a real person anymore. I'm 32 and I just don't see things getting better. I just want to be held for a little while, that's all I fucking want. All I've ever wanted was to be loved and that's never happened, not even during my 7 year relationship it turns out they never actually loved me. I know wanting to be loved makes me weak and unhealed and all of those other things, but I can't shake the need- I've tried but I just can't get rid of it. Having someone to hold me for a while, no relationship or emotional support required, just regularly being held would save me but I'm not even worth that. I'm just not worth having around or being close to. I'm not worth saving.

Anyway I'm going to see about purchasing a tank of carbon monoxide so I can drive somewhere remote and go peacefully. If I can't manage to do that, how effective is getting into a bath and slitting your wrists? It's all I can think of but would prefer to not do that because I don't want to upset my cats. I'm sorry this post was so long- hopefully you've made it to the end here and have some advice, or know if slitting your wrists work effectively. I could also hang myself but I don't want my neighbors (specifically) to find me either. I don't know.