i know it’s stupid to hold a grudge for being born for 24 years, but my parents were two pathological liars with a penchant for crack, heroin, and stealing people’s things. my mother was self aware enough to know that she couldn’t have another kid she was planning on aborting me, but my dad insisted. my mom had fibromyalgia, borderline and narcissistic personality disorder so YAY i got abused for 20 years. i also got her family’s history of back issues and mental health disorders, awesome. now i’m here with my no degree, no credit, no money, no health.

at 20 i got diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and had my first emergency surgery my first semester at the college i transfered too. i couldn’t graduate because of the pain i was in, having to work and go to school. that, plus being in an unfulfilling relationship just broke my brain, so i tried to hang myself. it’s scary how peaceful it was—one moment i was hesitating to put my weight down, the next, black. i only came to when the belt got loose and i woke up on the floor. i’ve been cutting myself again. last year i had to have 2 more fucking surgeries because i was forced to move after breaking up with said partner.

i’ve had to deal with an abusive boyfriend this year, and he caused me to have a flashback to when i was molested as a toddler. my whole life has been bad thing after bad thing. the only thing i have going is my disability settlement. when that finally fucking ends i’m going to give the back pay to my family and kill myself. it’s all i can offer now. i’m tired of being a person, i can’t do it anymore.