I had sex with a guy last night and had a full breakdown afterwards. During it I close my eyes and just held him. I'm surprised he held me back and we stayed like that for a very long time. I closed my eyes and imagined it was the man I loved. My ex who cheated and hurt me emotionally almost everyday. I started crying. Completely bawling my eyes out. I forced myself to stop so we could continue having sex. During, the guy got into it and put his hand over my throat. Not in a bad way. But I have bad ptsd from when my ex choked me in an argument and I threw up afterwards. So I started crying again, this time unable to stop. So the guy ended the sex and started apologizing when he did nothing wrong. I feel so bad. I don't even know why I had sex with him. I know it's bad to basically do hookups. I just met him yesterday and I know I'm bad. I have no self control. I'm not attracted to the guy in the slightest.

This is the 2nd time I've done this. Before was with a coworker. I was in the same position, on top of him and I just held him tight and start crying because I wish it was my ex. I would always sleep on top of my ex or lay on top of him throughout the day. Always. It's the most comforting thing. I miss him so much. It's been a month and I haven't heard anything from him. I wish I mattered.

I don't want to get back with my ex. He made me suicidal and never truly cared about my well being. But now my mom is going to bad mouth me about being out late with this guy. And I'll feel more guilty than I already do. I keep wanting to cut myself but won't because it's not a sure way to die. I just wish he was a better man. I married him to be with him forever so it's hard trying to move on. I haven't been in love with anyone else. I wish I could die peacefully in my sleep.