This world, the world I live in is so steralized that it feels devoid of anything vulnerable or authentic.

Everyone wants to pretend that they care about people with mental illness until push comes to shove. The second that someone actually has to deal with a mentally ill person they treat them like a lepper. I've struggles with suicidal ideation, panic disorder, and a whole laundry list of issues, and I've been very responsible in attempting to tackle my issues. I've fully maintained my medication schedule. I've done years of psychological therapy. I've tried almost everything under the sun.

The #1 thing I dispise is people asking me "What can I do for you?". At this point I just want to ask them to put a bullet in my head. How is a broken mirror supposed to reflect a clear image? In the same way how is a person in suffering supposed to be able to picture what getting adequate help could even look like? I've been on this rollarcoaster of bullshit nearly my entire life and the system is fucked beyond repair. The entire philosophy of our mental health care systems require an unreasonable amount of prediction, forseight, and assumption from people with fundamentally shattered mental faculties. It feels like asking a labotomised person to accurately portray the full spectrum of human emotion.

They like to say "Don't suffer in silence. Reach out." then when you choose to reach out you're met with a cactus wearing surgical gloves. Who's idea was that? It's almost as if they desgined the WORST possible environment/system to discourage people from participating with their services. What's worse is that it's a revolving door. Try finding meaningful, lasting support/relation in that system is like trying to find Jupiter in the early afternoon sky.

Not to mention that once you actually reveal how deeply fucked up you are/may be. They posture themselves like you're a criminal or a threat to their safety. Again, leppers. We currently live in a lonely, toxic, mechanical, steralised system with no avenues for resistance. I do not like the country that I live in, I do not like the toxically individualist culture, I do not like the unsustainable practices at play. At this point all I feel I can do is riot or quit the game.

"Your problems are temporary." Are they really? Or is that a phrase used to convince people to cope. Maintain the status quo, don't rock the boat, don't cry out or face ostrisation. I'd never considered myself someone to give up or stop fighting. I've only ever thought of myself as a fighter, someone who pushes through.

There is no more pushing through. There is only becoming docile, coping, and sitting in a metaphorical room of isolation.

Fuck anyone who makes others feeled excluded for seeking help. Fuck whoever designed this system that discourages authenticity and change. Fuck our toxically individualist culture. Fuck anyone that postures themselves socially without backing up their signalling with action. Fuck peace if it comes at the expense of progress.

I'm holding on. I'm still trying, I'm still fighting. That's all I can do. That's all any of us can do. I deeply empathize with those of use continuing to question their place in existence. Not just you, but all of us deserve significantly more than what this existence has offered us, thus far.