I don't know if this is allowed. Or if i am triggering. Or hell... if this is even the right reddit. So ill tag this with a NSFW. I guess i just really want to vent some. And writing things down always helps me cope in a way.

I just got the news that someone close to me died of suicide. Well.. We used to be close. Dude was my best friend. We did everything together. Everything. I guess we found eachother at a time when we needed it the most. Because i was really struggling for a while. I've been there. The depression. The failed suicide. I decided it was time for me to go on with my life. And i dunno... You know those people that sometimes come into your life and you think ''hey i like you. let's be friends forever''. But fate decides that you aren't really meant to be friends forever and eventually you both drift apart. I guess everyone has had one or more of those people in his/her life at some point. High school friends for example. Or maybe you get along with someone really well at your job and you go to another job and you decide to stay friends. But who are you kidding. Yeah. Maybe you go out for a drink or two. But in the end you always lose track of that person. And you just move on.

And if im honest. Im still kicking myself for us drifting apart. I managed to get back up. Built a life. Stopped self harming. Got a job. And i dunno man... It's just.... Where did it go wrong. I really hate myself for letting him go. Even tho i thought it was right at the time. I tried getting him to tag along with me. ''Come on. Lets go outside. Itll do you good.''. ''Hey. let's go see that band you really like.''. But in the end he didnt put the effort in. I noticed him pulling me down again with him. I spent days locked inside with him. Just sitting there. But eventually i had to break it off. It was too much for me. I was just getting back on my own feet and i just felt i didnt need him in my life anymore. And i know. Yes. Depression f*cks you up. And it's not that easy as just getting dressed and go outside. I know that. I've been there. But i can't stop thinking this is in a way my fault.

Maybe I should have been there more for him. Maybe i just didnt see the signs because i was so caught up in my own shit. And i dont know anymore. He was a big part of my life. And i used to think of him now and then. Should i try contacting him again? Ill do it tomorrow... And it just f*cking hurts man. It's just messing with my head right now. I guess he didn't manage to get back up. Was i wrong for leaving him all those years ago? I tried eveything but i just couldnt handle it anymore. And i just wanna get this out there. Because I am so tired of all this shit. And it's not just this. And i don't wanna fall back again into my own depressed state. But things like this just don't make it any better...

Anyways. Thanks for listening.