I've mentally been in a really bad place for months now and am not in a position where I'd be able to see a therapist. I just need to be able to put my thoughts on a few things out there right now. I've kept all of these to myself for a long time and I don't expect to get any advice, I'm mostly just venting to myself, but I'd appreciate any that's given.

I haven't really had any real friends since I was like 14 years old (I'm 19 now). I know that it's because I'm an annoying piece of shit who is insufferable to be around (for some context, I'm autistic and really struggle in most social interactions). I genuinely try my best to be normal but people always find me annoying. I don't know how to stop it because 99% of the time I have no idea that what I'm doing is bothering them.

Despite that, I have like 3 or 4 people in my life who put up with me. I typically wouldn't go as far as to call them friends, they're just people who put up with my shit and haven't blocked me yet, but for simplicity I'm going to call them "friends" for the rest of the post.

I know that it's wrong to treat friends like they're my therapist and to trauma dump on them, but I have genuinely no idea where to draw the line between that and talking about my feelings. So, I end up just keeping everything to myself at all times. As an example for how little I tell them about my feelings, I never even told any of them about my autism.

I am dysphoric about everything about my body 24/7. I wish my hair was longer. I wish I didn't have any body/facial hair. I wish my voice was different. I wish I was shorter. I wish my genitals were different. I wish I had a larger chest.

I wish people (myself included) saw me as a real woman.

I've only came out to maybe 10 people total and am not in a position right now where it would be safe for me to socially transition.

Growing up, my parents always told me that university was where smart people went and that college was where the stupid people went (for Americans as far as I'm aware, our universities are your colleges and our colleges are your community colleges). Well I'm in college and I'm struggling a lot, so I guess I'm stupid even when compared to stupid people.

I do know that they're wrong and that not going to university doesn't make you stupid, but it's still something that was told to me all the time as a child and I can't not think of myself as stupid because of it.

When you combine those main things (plus a lot of small things) I can't go 10 minutes nowadays without having some kind of suicidal thought or wish and I don't know what to do other than keep them to myself, which I know is unhealthy but so is telling people I know.

Just to be clear, despite my thoughts I'm not at risk of doing anything to myself.