January 6th 2016 is when my whole life changed, in fact it felt as if I had died and was placed inside the body I currently reside in. Despite knowing what I could do to make things better I stayed in a state of shock and paralysis from what had happened, I did do some physical therapy and made progress, and then back slid, progressed, and back slid but for the most part I lacked motivation to live. It was and still is a nightmare. I've always struggled with depression but this has made it so much worse, I was 17 when this happened. I was about to start my life, I had so many things to look forward to, and it was stolen from me and replaced with a prison.

I'm wheelchair bound, I only have one good arm but no fine motor skills, and I'm ventilator dependent. Perhaps the salt in the wound is that I have feeling in most parts of my body and could potentially get stronger but it would take so much physical therapy and the proper help in which I don't have and quite frankly, I'm too tired to carry on any further. Most of all I'm lonely, so fucking lonely. I have friends that I hangout with, family around me, but I want the love that they can't provide. I've tried online dating, Tinder and FB Dating and I've never had any luck, they all just ghost me. I've been working on myself, I've been trying to push forward and try to live and improve but I always fall back into feeling like this, if I had that someone to improve for, that someone that had a potential future with I'd go so far maybe.

Why don't women don't even want to talk to me? Even when I'm only wanting a friendship? Am I not worthy of their time? Is it because of my disability? What am I doing wrong? I've been thinking getting out more, going to conventions and stuff like that, going to the local bingo place. But even then what am I supposed to say? What are they going to think? Maybe it's just too late for me. Maybe I'm just too tired of all this. This life. The funny thing is, I believe in reincarnation, and personally feel like I've learned a sufficient amount of things from this life that maybe it's okay for me to end it. Sure, I can learn so much more, but why should my soul have to suffer like this? For the most part I want to check out, I don't want to be here anymore like this. But sometimes I want to stay only in hopes that I'll find love, I want to find my love, her, my everything. I want to hold out for her, I miss her so god damn much. She seems so close yet so far away, I feel like if I end things it'll negatively impact her life in a way even though we haven't yet met. Where are you my love? It's to hard without you, would you forgive me if I went through with it? Do you need me as bad as I need you?

What do I do? Everyone tells me how sweet and caring I am. How handsome and cute, and how intelligent I am. The potential I have. The thing that I hate is that even though I have scoliosis since even before my disability and other things is that I have all these positive traits, being handsome, caring, empathetic, intelligent, tatted up, a perfect c*ck that still functions, and other things that make me me, nobody ever sees that because they just see a disabled dude and don't want anything to do with me. I mean the last thing isn't really necessary for friendships but for relationships. I feel like they see a guy in a wheelchair and assume I don't function when I actually do. There's a whirlwind of emotions but the older I get the more I'm getting closer to checking out. I don't want to die in a hospital or from suffocating and those are high possibilities. Maybe this is my last year or couple of months/weeks, I'm truly am tired of being in this body. The only way I have out that's in my control is bleeding out. In a way, I always knew I'd have a bloody death, and I felt the possibility that it would be me who caused it.

To my love out there, I do hope that we meet soon and that it be your love that saves me from myself, but if I follow through before your beauty captivates me and my personality steals your heart please forgive me. Living alone like this is just to caustic to my being, but don't fret for our souls are connected, they always have and will be. We'll be in each other's arms eventually.