It used to scare the fuck out of me. It was always a passing thought, never really looked into it much. Then it started getting deeper and stronger. I thought of possible ways, affairs that would need to be dealt with, closure that would need to be given to people. I started researching and planning a bit. And now I have a weak plan but it’s there. And I know if I got drunk, I could so easily follow through with it. I just wish people would know that it’s not them. I am just a sad, lonely, hurt person who has always been like that and always will be. I spend hours and hours crying each day. I can’t even think of a thing that makes me truly happy. I can’t think of the last time I had a laugh. I just want to feel loved and I want this sadness gone but it’s not going anywhere. I cannot imagine living a whole life with BPD and dysthymia. I’m not doing it.