Alcohol is an unhealthy vice, yes, but it's the only thing standing between me and death right now. I've spent most of today in a miserable haze trying not to cry but now I've just cracked open a drink and crying is the last thing on my mind. If this is how peaceful I feel now, wouldn't it be even better if I was dead?

I tried to stop drinking. I did. I did everything right. but being acutely aware of my abject misery just pushed me even closer to the edge. Alcohol makes me disorganised, absent-minded, disoriented, but sober me is a nervous wreck who crumbles at the first inconvenience.

Sometimes I think of that song by Kanye West. "Today I thought about killing myself". I guess one could consider it today's anthem for me. But it will always remain a thought and not an action. I've already tried & it's never ended well. The idea of being treated like a wounded puppy again if I fail? Fuck no. The embarrassment is too much to bear. Like, being THAT fucking stupid that I can't even kill myself successfully? Lol. Sober me is a weak woman who cannot bridge that gap. Drunk me is too numb to think about death. Both versions live in their heads and not in the real world. And so, I will continue to live. But I sure as hell am not happy about it. My life is going down the drain and I have zero desire to fish it out again. That's the thing about alcohol. Makes me numb enough to stay alive, but not alert enough to live. Still, pretty tough to live if I lack the desire to stay alive in the first place, so it's a trade-off I'm willing to make for the time being.