I cannot remember how many times I've tried to finish things- they all just ended with me going and being put under a suic1de watch in the hospital. Countless IVs and flushing out of the medicine that i used, the amount of stitches that i have received, the tears that my mother has shed and the screams that she let out whenever I'd find myself still conscious enough to tell her that i did that; that i wanted to end things.

I held on to small meaningless, shallow reasons but they were never enough.

My only reason now is because of the loan we took out for my motorcycle. I can't and i don't want to leave that to my mother because i know how low we are in the tax bracket- she can't afford to pay for it if i lose this battle. But, i found a loophole. They can sell the motorcycle and let it pay for itself. But i honestly don't want to sell my bike. I love it- i love how ever since i got comfy with it, i was 3 months clean because i would rather ride than go "slasher" on my self.

I have a job - that's another shallow reason. I just don't want to suddenly go AWOL and leave my shit in the office. I found an escape: resignation. render 15 days and in those 15 days i can plan my d3ath sentence.

I was never a good daughter. I cannot remember when was the last time that i ever made my mom smile. I can't remember when was the last time that i saw her happy. All i remember is how stressed she is every time she'd see me. Every time i would scratch my arm, every time i show any type of weakness/problem, she would just have this look in her face saying that she's tired. She's stressed. I know what she's thinking: "Did my child hurt themselves again?", "They need therapy; we can't afford therapy", "What the fuck am i supposed to with her", "them and their stupid motorcycle", "She's gonna k-ll herself with that bike".

Can you imagine going to become a s3x worker because your parent would look so fucking hurt and stressed whenever you asked for 9$ so you can eat and go to school; how your mother would huff and puff whenever you'd ask them for something as small as 1$ just so you can buy a soda. But then again, we don't really earn enough so 1$ is already considered to be a big amount; let alone 9$

I'm just a burden to them. To my parents - but i dislike the fact that they don't have the emotional stability to be parents. If i had someone to talk to, if i was taught how to handle my emotions, if i had emotionally stable parents who can listen to their child's problems without saying some dumb stupid insensitive advice? i would've been slightly better. I was never a good child but they weren't the best parents either. Why the fuck would you make babies when you're not even financially, emotionally, and mentally stable to have one!?!? let alone two!! and by saying these things, i know- i know i was never a good person.

I was never a good child because i blame a part of my instability towards my parents.

TL;DR I was never a good person because I want so many things that i can't have and because of that, i am going to kms.

This whole post is just a stupid rant but i will resign; plan my sentence; and end it all.

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