Hello, everyone. It's my first time posting here and this is also the first time I'll be verbalizing or at least contextualize this thought I have been feeling for years.

I was diagnosed with atypical depression, abnormal anxiety, and mild schizophrenia when I was 18. I was a senior in high school at that time. I went to therapy and got medication but I don't do any of that now since my family could no longer afford it. During those years, I felt extremely lost and had a few attempts. It is safe to say that all my attempts failed, but the last one was the worst and probably my last straw. I wanted to drown. I walked from the city to the nearest beach which was almost ten kilometers away, I wanted to be exhausted in advance. Before I made my journey, I sent my goodbyes to most of my friends which alarmed them. They were blowing up my phone, they looked everywhere for me, until one of them found me in the middle of the road at around three in the morning.

It's been years since that happened, although I still think about ending things, there are now instances that keep me going. However, recently I stumbled across the group chat we had years ago and scrolled back to the point where they talked about the incident, how they were going to look for me and all that stuff. The guilt had been eating me up for four years already. I know I'm supposed to be thankful upon knowing that there are people who wanted me to stay, but I couldn't help but think that I'm still unworthy of their time. I feel bad for sending them into panic. I feel horrible for scaring them in an ungodly hour. I feel like a horrible friend for putting them through that.

Will I ever get over this? If you've been feeling the same, I would like to hear how you handled things. I wish you all love. Thank you