I love my brothers man. They are the only reason I’m still here. I’m only 20 yrs old , I can’t keep living like this. I have SCA and that only gets worst with age. I’m currently in immeasurable pain in the hospital because of it. I’ve struggled with thoughts from as long as I can remember. Everyday gets darker and darker and I don’t think I can handle it anymore. I spent NYE alone in the hospital while the person I rlly wanted and needed by my side was partying. I just feel like a burden to everyone whose life I’m in. I used to be scared of death and how my brothers would deal with it because I’m the oldest but it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even care anymore I can’t bare this life. I have plenty of methods but I wish there was a way to hire someone to just take me out so they wouldn’t have to struggle with thinking it’s their fault. It gets so difficult trying to pretend everything is ok and act all good and happy. I wish things didn’t have to go like this