My name is Mitchell. I'm lost currently. im 27 years old and struggling. Both financially and mentally. But this is going to be the time i write my story. all the aspects of my guilt and shame being put to words on paper. So to speak. (pllease excuse any typos, it's late when im typing all this)

So, let us begin. My folks divorced when i was 2 years old. Andrew (birth father) was a real prick so my mum left him while pregnant with my younger sister Bella. Go mum for having the resolve to leave while in such a situation but i guess thats when it started. I was a boy growing up without a father figure however not too long later did my mum discover Sam, my soon to be step dad. Sam was nice, playful and also suffered some greif in his life. He had lost his father at a young age so i suppose we were in a similar position in that regard, seeking a fathers love. So growing up i would spend fornight weekends at Andrews and the entire time my sister and i would see him he'd just try and turn us against our mother. Him and his entire side of the family. But we knew how mum treated us. Yes the once a year misbehaviour beatings sucked. Now when i say beatings i mean she flogged us on the arse while she shook with rage and us with fear. paint that image or decide the ethics behind old school up bringing amongst yourselves. Growing up having to listen to one parent bad mouth another isnt fun for any child.

So thats a little background surrounding my mother and fathew issues. Now we get onto the really fucked up shit. When i was roughly 13 my parents wanted me to work in the school holidays. Earn some pocket money, build some character. overall not a bad suggestion but as a child i obviously just wanted to have fun. So my dad out me to work at one of his business friends vehicle detailing garage. It was an easy job but obviously i was bad at it because i didnt put in any care. i was 13 for crying out loud. One day this man started working at the garage. He was late 40, avaerage height and weight and his name was Ferris. We became friends and he was nice to me while i was working there. He'd always tell jokes or tell me really dirty stories about him fucking some hot woman or something. Now we get to the sick part. He would ask me to play these competitive type games where if he won he could touch me or hump me or do stuff to me. Yep i was sexually violated as a child. A MALE CHILD. BOOM! suck it feminists. But now the weirtd part nobody really knows about. I made and somewhat enticed him. yeah fucked i know. I will explain that later on in the stroy but yeah, thats my first trauma. Moving on.

My next trauma is something is something that never really stopped. Remember Sam? yeah hes a bit too lovey. Whether it is because he didnt have a dad or whatever isnt really an excuse enough in my mind. i attended a catholic school and in PE class we were doing sex education. Now i was obviously fucked mentally after what happened in the holidays so i approached my teacher after class, after we had just watched a video about masturbation for the last 40 minutes. So i asked my teacher if masturbation is bad and i was super awkward. its a sensitive topic afterall and i was a kid. The teacher told me to ask a parent about these sensivtive topics. So i went home that day and dad (sam) was cooking pasta since mum wasnt home yet. So i approached him sheepishly and asked him about masturbation. He was obviously taken off guard as anyone would be. But then he asked me how i do it and to show him. So i went upstairs to my bedroom and humped my pillow. Yes i know, i was discovering myself so dont diss my ejaculate method. He dismissed what i was doing and it was never spoken about again. However that didn't stop his...displays of love. Up until i was roughly 21 he used to hug me from being and rub my nipples while saying 'nipleeeey' and squeezing my ass. i always found this to be just affection but wasnt until mid 2023 did i seek help and realise that it was not a normal way for a dad to show affecton. He still calss himself daddy in the third person when asking me to call him or to sit with him on the couch and watch a movie. No matter how many times i ask him to stop he just persists. Even asking mum to tell him stop. Hell, once i brought all this up to mum and explained how i felt about being fondled by him. There was no defence. it was brushed away and scraped up to him not having a dad or him just not knowing how to be affectionate. I suffered because he couldnt just give me a pat on the back or handshake. instead i got nipple ruibbed and groped on my behind. That stuff revolving him is my second trauma.

Number 3! I have been falsely accused of raping three different girls. Three girls cried wolf. THREE! what fucked world and how bad is my luck to be exposed to multiple women that think it's ok to say that about a guy. One of these accusations led to me being investigated by detectives. Her name was Elenee and she was 18 and i was 21. We were studying nursing at Ultimo tafe and she was incredbly flirty. She'd touch me in class, kiss me in the elevator. So evertything was consesual. One day we decdided to be daring and so we went into a quiet hallway away from being and we had sex. Fast forward 5 months or so and i get a call from police saying she put in a charge for rape. Imagine my shock. After all these rattling events i became shy, quiet around women. I couldn't look at them in public because i was affraid they'd cry wolf on me or id be accused of something. I'd have panic attacks at work. Trauma number 3. Hence why i find it really difficult to connect with femaleS.

So all that make crap bundled together and sprinkeled with smaller crap is why im on antidepressants and recently discovered pot is very helpful. But 2022 is where i snapped. i used to be mentally stronger and could handle anything. But these days im wrong. something is off. it's like i have this crack in my psyche and that crack keeps chipping and it's not getting fixed. there is no fix. i need a positive distraction but all the postivity in my life isnt enough. there actually isnt much. i just want to die. sleep forever so nobody can hurt me. i hate people. i feel exhausted being around them. somebody will hurt me again. just a matter of time.

so thats me